THE FIRST DAY I EVER WORKED IN A PHARMACY!

OK you fucks, I am currently unemployed, I am at level 50 on Prestige level 2 in the new Call of Duty, and I am bored out of my fucking mind. I am still contemplating writing the book and this was going to be the first page. Let me preface by saying this story is 100% TRUE!!! It is too unbelievable to make up and I don't have the imagination to write something so ridiculous (I actually do, but seriously, this story is still 100% true)

I call it "The Cumdumpster"

Enjoy...

The first day I had ever worked in a pharmacy was a day I could never forget. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t have been able to. It was that epic. It was so epic, that I, as a naive 18 year old thought it was the funniest thing I had ever been a part of and wanted more of it, forever!  Like I said though, I was very naive and that day might have been the highest point of my professional life. Before I get to the story, let’s set the mood a little shall we?

I had just been accepted to pharmacy school and decided to get a job in a pharmacy. Makes sense right? I mean that does make fucking sense, go work in the present so you can see your future, duh! This was a small independent pharmacy located no more than 8 minutes from my house. It was open over 60 years and by this point obviously had its loyal generational customer base. It was as if it’s legacy was placed into the last will and testament of each dead patient.

“To my oldest son, when I pass, my legacy must be fulfilled by continuing the family tradition of getting all our prescriptions filled at the same pharmacy I was receiving mine. They helped me survive to the ripe old age of 82, and will do the same for you... P.S. if you don’t want to follow in my footsteps, I am sure you can go to CVS down the street and get $25 gift cards for transferring over, that’s what I should’ve done, but I wasn’t able to drive anymore and now I’m dead and it’s too late for me. But not you son, go to CVS and get those cards and buy all the Maybelline lipstick you want for your wife. Also, your mother wasn’t really your mother.”

This place was a mini bodega, it sold fucking everything. Toilet paper, construction paper, rolling papers, paper dolls, newspapers, and of course college ruled paper. They offered Western Union, utility bill payment, cigarettes, lottery, milk, fax/copy services, greeting cards, and an entire section of magazines devoted only to porn. We aren’t talking some playboy or a little harder penthouse, I am talking hardcore 9 inch cock ripping through a tight little ass on the cover of the magazine porn. Porn with chicks dressed like clowns, granny porn, BBW porn, S&M porn, Hentai, every type of porn you could imagine and can’t imagine was being sold there. It was presented in all its glory wrapped in it’s cellophane with nothing but a half bent, unevenly cut piece of old cardboard running down the front stretch of shelving which managed to only cover the barcode and price on these magazines. If you’re wondering if I looked at any of these, the answer is obviously yes, but I would never be the one to initiate the perusing. Oh yeah, did I mention they also sold these tiny religious angel figurine trinkets too? 

Since you sort of have a gist of the place that employed me, it should also give you a good notion of the diverse clientele that would spend/waste their money/time in there.

Anyway...It was my first day in the pharmacy and first day as a tech. As I approached the end of my shift I had already fucked up once badly by answering a call from a doctor and taking down a new script only to get my ass reamed out by my narcotic addicted (found that out years later), Rush (the band) loving, former valedictorian, pharmacist I was working with. His usual threat was to throw me into a trashcan and roll me into the street. He also enjoyed me hitting him in the stomach as hard as I could to show he could take it. Can someone say, “Daddy issues?” Did I mention he was insane? Oh well.  We received a phone call close to an hour before closing, this call changed my life. I mean, this is what pharmacists do? They answer questions and situations like this? I can do this, it’s awesome. Here is exactly how it went down:

<Phone rings>

ME: Pharmacy, how can I help you?

<Silence>

ME: Hello???

UNKNOWN: <pant, pant, pant> hello?

ME: Yes, can I help you?

OH, ITS A GIRL: yea...<pant, pant, pant> yea ... oooh 

ME: Ummm?

THE PANTING GIRL: Ummmmm.... <pant, pant> I have a question...oooooooh

ME: Yes?

THE PANTING GIRL: (to someone in the background) hold up a sec, I’m on da phone wit da pharmacy man... Yeah hello?
ME: Yes?

THE PANTING GIRL: yeah, I was just wondering if its okay for me to have sex while on Terazol?

Me: Ummmmmm, let me find out...

I put her on hold.

ME: Hey Joe, this lady on the phone is asking if it’s ok to have sex while on Terazol? What’s Terazol?

JOE (the pharmacist): It’s for a nasty filled vagina, so no probably not. 

ME: What if she sounds like she’s having sex right now?

JOE: Put her on speaker phone.

ME: Okay

ME: Ummm miss, I asked the pharmacist and he said it’s probably best you don’t 

THE PANTING GIRL: <pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant pant, pant, pant> Really? But I’m about to finish.

JOE: Then just finish and contact your doctor tomorrow if you feel you are having any extra symptoms afterwards.

THE PANTING GIRL: mmmmm mmmmm okay, thanks

<hang up>

DELIVERY DRIVER (listening in the whole time): I once ate our a girl that was on that shit but didn’t tell me until later.

This concludes the story of the cumdumpster.

It's GAMETIME!!!

Alright folks, if you haven't read it by now, or your mom's cousin's aunt's neighbor didn't fill you in...

I AM OPENING UP MY OWN PHARMACY!

and...

I WAS FIRED FROM MY PREVIOUS EMPLOYER because they found out about my store and it is a conflict of interest.

I feel very indifferent about the firing. I am very upset because my store isn't scheduled to open until probably Mid-February/Early March so I will have ZERO FUCKING INCOME for a few months.  I pray I will be able to get through these next few months. I have applied for unemployment for the first time ever but who knows if I will actually get it. I tried receiving forbearance on my $1500 monthly student loan payment but they told me to FUCK THE FUCK OFF! Thank you CitiBank Student Loans, I hope you fucking get eaten by Godzilla as he smashes your fucking headquarters in...

Anyways, I knew this day would come I just thought it would be a month before I could open up. As the saying goes, "when it rains, it pours." Everything is happening so suddenly and I can't even keep up with emails from wholesalers, software consultants, other pharmacists trying to solicit their buying groups to me, dick enlarging spam...there is a lot of shit and all happening at once. I can tell you this though...I know I can fucking do this, I know I can succeed, if I didn't have the confidence in myself that I can provide for my family and take a huge risk, I would not have done it.

FUCK ALL YOU CHAINS!

Fuck the fact that I still had to work shifts by myself because you refused to offer me more help.

Fuck the fact that you promote all day immunizations but do not give us any time to do it.

Fuck the fact you expect us to help an old fuck choose his medicare part D plan for 15 minutes on a program which can't print, can't search, and can't even open half the fucking times!

Fuck the fact that you hold conference calls every single motherfucking week and repeat the same motherfucking things by talking to us like retarded fucking monkeys.

Fuck the fact that YOU FUCKED UP by losing Express Scripts and lost Billions....did I say BILLIONS!!!!!!! of fucking dollars and expected us little fucking peeons to go get it back for you.

Fuck the fact that you make us deny transfer calls from other pharmacies because you don't want to lose business. Guess what??? That's how this shit works, competition is always necessary! How dare you tell us to call a fucking customer and ask why they are transferring out!!!! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND?!?!?! Besides the obvious uncomfortableness, stop giving out $1090389744 gift cards and you won't have this FUCKING PROBLEM!

Fuck the fact you want us to deliver but don't give us a driver and expect me to go after my shift. FUCK YOU!

FUCK YOU! FUCK ALL OF YOU!

RITEAID, WALGREENS, CVS, WALMART, TARGET...YOU ARE ALL THE SAME GREEDY FUCKING ASSHOLES WHO FORGOT WHAT REAL CUSTOMER SERVICE IS AND ONLY CARE ABOUT DOUCHEGRUNDLE COCKSUCKING FUCKING STOCKHOLDERS.

EAT MY FUCKING DICK. I WILL FUCKING DOMINATE YOU, JUST WAIT AND SEE!

PEACE THE FUCK OUT!

I AM THE MOTHER FUCKING HIGHLANDER!

Who Am I Working For?

I've now been in retail pharmacy for 10 years. A few months ago, I had an epiphany, or something like that. WHY DO I WORK WHERE I WORK? WHAT AM I GETTING OUT OF THIS? FOR WHAT? FOR WHO?

It kind of all came to me when my district manager started preaching that everything we do, every extra RX we fill, every shingles shot we give, every blood pressure we check, every fucking mother fucking thing, will help our bonus.

I'll be honest folks...cause that's what I do, I keeps it reals. My bonus for last year was $1,400. FOURTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR A WHOLE FUCKING YEAR! I know some are reading this and laughing at this amount whether you think it's too small, or you wish you even got $1,400 a year. I am laughing because it was based off of some bullshit calculation which only benefits real fucking busy stores. This bonus isn't even half of my pay check, it's a joke and an insult. My company also provides the actual formula they use to calculate it, so of course I decide to play around with the numbers and see if I can predict my future "bonus" if I gained 30 prescriptions per day.  As all of you may know 30 RX's PER DAY IS A LOT OF FUCKING RX's PER DAY! Much to my amazement, or lack there of, my bonus increased to an estimated $400 more per year. HOLY FUCKING BALLS! I'M RICH BITCHES! What a JOKE!?!?!?

Here I am, busting my fucking ass, running around every day with sweaty balls, an empty stomach, parched as dry shit, "do not drink" auxiliary stickers stuck to my lab coat, 4 hour flavorless gum in my mouth, stupid fucking Avril Lavigne on the store radio, babies crying, 8 phones ringing, losing my fucking mind, spilling amoxicillin powder on the counter, seeing my smelly pain in the cunt customer coming towards me, while shooing away Lil Wayne and his posse of Oxycodone 30mg seeking drug dealing fucktards, all for FOUR HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS!

FUCK THIS NOISE! I am done. I have given up on all this waste of time working for a big chain and all their company bullshit. I am tired, my body hurts, my feet ache, I NEED A BLOWJOB and a better job.

So it's decided, I have begun the process of opening up my own store and I hope to have it open by January, state boards sure do take their sweet fucking time.

Wish me luck fuckers. I'll keep you updated with my progress!

Thanks for checking in.

Keep it reals,
The Highlander