I call it "The Cumdumpster"
The first day I had ever worked in a pharmacy was a day I could never forget. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t have been able to. It was that epic. It was so epic, that I, as a naive 18 year old thought it was the funniest thing I had ever been a part of and wanted more of it, forever! Like I said though, I was very naive and that day might have been the highest point of my professional life. Before I get to the story, let’s set the mood a little shall we?
I had just been accepted to pharmacy school and decided to get a job in a pharmacy. Makes sense right? I mean that does make fucking sense, go work in the present so you can see your future, duh! This was a small independent pharmacy located no more than 8 minutes from my house. It was open over 60 years and by this point obviously had its loyal generational customer base. It was as if it’s legacy was placed into the last will and testament of each dead patient.
“To my oldest son, when I pass, my legacy must be fulfilled by continuing the family tradition of getting all our prescriptions filled at the same pharmacy I was receiving mine. They helped me survive to the ripe old age of 82, and will do the same for you... P.S. if you don’t want to follow in my footsteps, I am sure you can go to CVS down the street and get $25 gift cards for transferring over, that’s what I should’ve done, but I wasn’t able to drive anymore and now I’m dead and it’s too late for me. But not you son, go to CVS and get those cards and buy all the Maybelline lipstick you want for your wife. Also, your mother wasn’t really your mother.”
This place was a mini bodega, it sold fucking everything. Toilet paper, construction paper, rolling papers, paper dolls, newspapers, and of course college ruled paper. They offered Western Union, utility bill payment, cigarettes, lottery, milk, fax/copy services, greeting cards, and an entire section of magazines devoted only to porn. We aren’t talking some playboy or a little harder penthouse, I am talking hardcore 9 inch cock ripping through a tight little ass on the cover of the magazine porn. Porn with chicks dressed like clowns, granny porn, BBW porn, S&M porn, Hentai, every type of porn you could imagine and can’t imagine was being sold there. It was presented in all its glory wrapped in it’s cellophane with nothing but a half bent, unevenly cut piece of old cardboard running down the front stretch of shelving which managed to only cover the barcode and price on these magazines. If you’re wondering if I looked at any of these, the answer is obviously yes, but I would never be the one to initiate the perusing. Oh yeah, did I mention they also sold these tiny religious angel figurine trinkets too?
Since you sort of have a gist of the place that employed me, it should also give you a good notion of the diverse clientele that would spend/waste their money/time in there.
Anyway...It was my first day in the pharmacy and first day as a tech. As I approached the end of my shift I had already fucked up once badly by answering a call from a doctor and taking down a new script only to get my ass reamed out by my narcotic addicted (found that out years later), Rush (the band) loving, former valedictorian, pharmacist I was working with. His usual threat was to throw me into a trashcan and roll me into the street. He also enjoyed me hitting him in the stomach as hard as I could to show he could take it. Can someone say, “Daddy issues?” Did I mention he was insane? Oh well. We received a phone call close to an hour before closing, this call changed my life. I mean, this is what pharmacists do? They answer questions and situations like this? I can do this, it’s awesome. Here is exactly how it went down:
ME: Pharmacy, how can I help you?
UNKNOWN: <pant, pant, pant> hello?
ME: Yes, can I help you?
OH, ITS A GIRL: yea...<pant, pant, pant> yea ... oooh
THE PANTING GIRL: Ummmmm.... <pant, pant> I have a question...oooooooh
THE PANTING GIRL: (to someone in the background) hold up a sec, I’m on da phone wit da pharmacy man... Yeah hello?
THE PANTING GIRL: yeah, I was just wondering if its okay for me to have sex while on Terazol?
Me: Ummmmmm, let me find out...
I put her on hold.
ME: Hey Joe, this lady on the phone is asking if it’s ok to have sex while on Terazol? What’s Terazol?
JOE (the pharmacist): It’s for a nasty filled vagina, so no probably not.
ME: What if she sounds like she’s having sex right now?
JOE: Put her on speaker phone.
ME: Ummm miss, I asked the pharmacist and he said it’s probably best you don’t
THE PANTING GIRL: <pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant pant, pant, pant> Really? But I’m about to finish.
JOE: Then just finish and contact your doctor tomorrow if you feel you are having any extra symptoms afterwards.
THE PANTING GIRL: mmmmm mmmmm okay, thanks
DELIVERY DRIVER (listening in the whole time): I once ate our a girl that was on that shit but didn’t tell me until later.
This concludes the story of the cumdumpster.